Saturday, July 13, 2013

NEEDING A GUARDIAN ANGEL TO HELP ME BREATHE THROUGH THIS

Survived this past Tuesday,in 100 degree heat, after car broke down on highway and I waited 2 hrs for towing---as all sped by at 80mph. Survived last 4 days stuck at house with 106 degree heat making it hard to walk anywhere, survived finding out my CVT Nissan Transmission is gone, must be replaced...total prob $3500+. I'll survive not getting a car rental for a week cause too damn expensive. I have accepted the path after Britty's murder is done w/o someone in my life and that I don't have nor can seem to raise money for a foundation in her name.

What is hardest to take is that what little I can afford to do for Britty, often right before I do it (like a fund raiser event, another CARAVAN) something big like having to replace a transmission on a relatively young car that has a CVT transmission which is just starting to show problems in cars that are older than 2-3 years, occurs and puts me so in debt that the one little thing I am able to do in honor of her, gets affected.

So it is hard to accept that the 11th (prob last) CARAVAN (using what little money I have) is now being impacted by the transmission expense and having not been done in over a year, now because of this cost, may not be able to do for another year.

CARAVANs are not just for Brittany. They are also for me. It is the one time a year I focus on Britty's murder mystery, share facts across US ; the only time it really gets national. I get so many emotional gifts from people while on the road, that it makes coming back to things like the job I have had since her murder easier. Things have been done at work that people say I should sue about but I can't waste energy on that. I have a new job that I will hopefully be going to yet vicious attacks made in secret by a few very sick people who work in the Mental health field have taken their toll as I clear my name each time they do these secret attempts.  I just need to be back on the road a bit to remind me of the general kindness of people.

 It hurts my heart each time I think of now having to wait another year--will make 2 years to do a CARAVAN...I am her voice...Those who know our history know how hard I fight and also how hard things seem to keep hitting... Don't know.. it makes it hard, for a bit, to breathe. ... Of course I will get past it...because I can't change what is. But I try so hard to pay it forward, to do things for others, to do this mostly on my own funding. And it seems (even though I know it is just bad timing) that each time I really need something like being able to do the CARAVAN, then I get hit with something so big like a transmission breakdown that I can do nothing but roll with the punches.  I am tired but I won't give up. I know I just have to accept this solitary road (having sat home 4 days and even after asking for help to get out a bit or to a store (in small country town not near transportation) , there has been little assistance. I am a kind person who rarely asks for help so not sure what keeps people away

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