Friday, October 12, 2012

FINDING MY BREATH IN ORDER TO KEEP ON

(more added most likely)

I just spent the last hour trying to get my computer to operate right. It still won't work without hiccups! Of course it decides to malfunction right after I decided to come to our website, and pledge to myself and Brittany that I will recharge, regroup, find some way finacially and emotionally to continue. I didn't want to do this"in public" on facebook (not wanting to look as if begging for support).  Here, some may find this blog, this specific one,  by chance, but it may also not be seen for days. Thus I feel good knowing I am not just speaking for an audience. I know I have to do this to get myself back on track on my ongoing mission of love and empathy to find Brittany's killer and to help protect other families from such devastating loss. I have to find some way to get back on track after such an emotional loss with our MILES OF TEARS POKER RUN as well as its' financial loss.

I am used to finacial losses, have learned to ride with them especially after Brittany's murder, especially because almost all of the 67000 miles of the 10 CARAVAN TO CATCH A KILLER tours were self funded. I have learned to roll with loss as each of my 3 other fund raising events over the last 4 years, have been hit with a car breakdown with its subsequent car rental, a disrupted ability to publicize, thus small turnouts, all which destroyed any fund raising. I have learned to live without a washer,a dryer, a hot water heater that stays working. I have learned to live without repairs to my house unless I can do it. In return I have been able to travel cross country telling Brittany's story, trying to save lives. And I am okay with this.

But my selfish mind begs "Why...what else do I have to experience after Brittany's murder...haven't I paid my dues?"

I would have been okay with a small turnout. I knew our MILES OF TEARS Poker Run, only in its 1st year, would probably not have a large crowd, probably wouldn't even make back the $500 or so I put into getting the word out, good prizes and treats.  BUT EVEN A SMALL CROWD, BY WORD OF MOUTH COULD  HELP BUILD THE REPUTATION OF WHAT THE RIDE COULD OFFER. We had great prizes, great raffle items and a small crowd would have lucked out with all the prize material.

What has been confusing to everyone who saw how much promotion we did, is that after 2 months of publicity--posters on the back of the car, posters and flyers at bike shops, gas stations, biker bars, news stories, etc; after great responses from people I met, Christine met, to have NO ONE SHOW WAS DEVASTATING.

It hurt my heart because it felt like after 8 years no one cared about Brittany story. It hurt my heart because it would limit my ability to go on a CARAVAN  in January.

ALL I CAN SAY RIGHT NOW IS I AM TRYING TO FIND A WAY BACK. THE HARDEST THING FOR ME TO ACCEPT IS THAT I REALLY DO SO MUCH OF THIS ALONE. THERE ARE A FEW LOYAL SUPPORTERS. I WOULD DIE WITHOUT THEM.  I CAN'T EXPECT OTHERS TO BE INVOLVED 24/7 BUT AFTER THE POKER RUN WEEKEND IT FELT LIKE ONLY OUR SMALL CIRCLE OF VOLUNTEERS WERE THE ONES WHO CARED-and all of them were related to Christine Badgwell, my friend and originator of the poker run idea.

I JUST WANT TO UNDERSTAND HOW THE FACE ABOVE DOEES NOT DRAW PEOPLE IN. WHAT AM I DOING TO TAKE AWAY FROM A FACE THAT WOULD BREAK YOUR HEART?

I HAVE LEARNED TO DO SO MUCH OF THIS ALONE BUT TIMES LIKE THE PAST WEEKEND OF HER ANNIVERSARY AND POKER RUN REALLY MAKE ME MISS NOT AT LEAST HAVING SOME ARMS TO CURL INTO AND SAY...."PLEASE TAKE OVER JUST FOR A FEW MOMENTS"

I am sorry Britty. 8 years with a marker like this have knocked the wind out. I will get my breath back soon.