Wednesday, March 28, 2012

I will return to the strong willed Maggie in a day or so, return to being the fighter, return to sharing voices of those lost, return to laughing and joking..... however, today I shed tears; take a deep sigh, then deep breath…plan somehow to take steps towards moving on. This morning I woke to a message from Jeff, our Detective. He tried to call but I was out with the pups. After delay upon delay of running the DNA batch (6+ weeks) that held our recent suspects DNA, one’s who truly fit the profile better than any before, who’s histories were what one would expect of killer, who could have been motivated by a “hate” crime, the prime SUSPECT’S DNA DID NOT MATCH OUR DOUBLE DNA PROFILE. Yes…. I feel sorry for myself for a minute. Even tho one can’t ask why because there is no answer to whys. I have to state why, why after so many bumps in this investigation and in my reg life, why couldn't it just be Jeff was retiring. It had to be retiring and the best suspect ever turns out to not to be our killer. In addition, the other 2 prime movers in his department have already gone. I am not familiar to anyone there anymore. Last night unable to sleep, my heart echoed the loss of Brittany, far off, a growing, but welcomed fear of Brit being “hurt” during a trial. However, I know I dreaded this outcome more...finding out a few days before Jeff retires from Tulsa PD, that the DNA did not match!!! It is not just about the case being unsolved. 7 ½ years Jeff has stood by my side—much more than duty called for, about the strongest support I have had for this path. In addition, there still is the few media who also provide that strength on days I can’t, a few dear friends who I can rarely see. This morn it really hit home as I read Jeff’s text. I crumbled on the floor in a chest deep “noooo.” For a few moments wished there was someone who could hold me for a few moments so I could just “give it up”. Its days like this I tire of this being such a solitary journey. Yes, many voices from afar support me, some on similar paths. I don’t know what I would do without them. Yet most of these fellow travelers have a hand nearby, to grab as they feel screams rising. I live life, joke, and laugh. Brittany is not 24 -7. Yet I know and have been told, just the idea of her death, losing someone near, scares people away. Work, with its distorted leadership and support of distorted mindsets and priorities, provides no escape.. Don’t know how I would survive that without my one colleague, my R2. I will get past this, especially if work does not block my next CARAVAN in 2-3 weeks. I keep making changes they ask for but once done, they change the line I must cross. Even if they do back off, I fear funds will halt this CARAVAN. Between windshield, 4 tires and water heater in the last 1 ½ months and gas shooting up, self-funded may not work. I really hope people are not turned off by this “poor me”, will keep the energy up in writing media, will help generate some ideas for fundraiser or ways to save on the CARAVAN. This story really needs to go national now. I will regain my voice soon. Right now, I am just a little tired. With gratitude for all support voiced..Maggie